The Pressure of Blogging

Blogging to me was supposed to be a way of expressing my flair of writing. I've never wanted to be a journalist nor a copywriter. But a best selling author someday might sound inviting... However until the day a publisher calls me up, the next best thing was to blog. As I said in the beginning I don't know why I started blogging but I do know that I love to write and compose silly poems. Aside from that, I'm known as being extremely "Kap Siau" (Talkative) to my friends. So that's why I decided to write and perhaps being able to put some happy faces out there.
But during my short break from blogging, it appears that from a cool pastime, it has turn to be as pressurized as my day job. You see, I have a couple of close friends who happens to be my colleagues. They are my best critics. They would have everything to say about anything. From my hair, to my clothes, to the way I walk and even to my blog. And yes, they are all women. (Lucky me?)
This is what one of them (Let's call her Or-Nya...literally means black lady) had to say about my short disapperance:
Or-Nya: Hoi, Gavin lu update lu eh blog ar boay (Hey, Gav have you updated your blog?)
Me: Aiyoh, boh eng lar. Tan chit eh wa kah update (Shucks, I'm busy. Wait, I'll update later)
Or-Nya: Aiseh, eh neh koo. Wa tan ai thak lu eh blog on Friends part 2. (Man, so long, I'm waiting for your blog on Friends part 2)
Me: Ok lar, wa baru update (Ok, I'll update it)
Or-Nya: Kak Kwai lar. Wa refresh tapi boh pua hang (Hurry Up! I've kept on refreshing but there's nothing)
(...After a while...)
Me: Ok. Hoh liau tapi wa sia pak hang (Alright, it's done. But I've written on something else)
(Or-Nya started reading)
Or-Nya: Hamik? Eh neh nia? Wa tan eh neh koo lu sia eh neh chiu? (What? Just that? I've waited for so long but you wrote so little?)
Me: ??? (A picture of puzzlement)

Of course aside from Or-Nya, I'll have Ah Peng, Heong Pin and Yan Yan breathing now my neck. They make my daily working life a living hell. But without them work would be so boring.
Sigh, women you cannot live with them, you cannot live without them...What more can I say?

I'm Back

Ahh...all of a sudden I can see sunshine, the air feels fresher, the food taste better and the burden is off my shoulders (for the time being).
Not only was I busy with the everyday run of the mill, but outside of office hours, I was kept busy too. The reason being was that I shifted house.
Let's not talk about my work or my job. It's a never ending story. Besides, I'll start complaining about being paid peanuts and doing a monkey's job as well as having a monkey's uncle for a boss.
So let me tell you about my abode...
I was staying in an apartment with my buddy, Buddy. We had a third housemate let's call him D-boy. Everything was fine until out of the blues, D-boy wanted to move out. This was a big blow as D-boy had agreed to stay together with us for a year. He lamented saying that the rental was too expensive for him as he had to pay an additional fee for a parking spot in the apartment. (For all of the uninitiated ones, car park is a problem in KL/Selangor, so be prepare to fork out extra if you have a car). For the next two months after that we went around looking for a new housemate. I, for one am really particular about who I stay with. I wouldn't want to stay with someone who would just disappear with the fridge, sofa and tv set that we furnished on our own.
Aside from that girls are also a big no no. The reason being is that girls (especially the hot ones) will have boyfriends/guy friends/lots of fans etc. This will result in having a guy over the house frequently. Guys being guys wherever they are, tend to make themselves really at home. But I guess the main reason why I dislike having girls as housemate is that I'm afraid of being sued for indecent exposure. You see, when I'm at home, I tend to make myself really comfortable. And really comfortable would mean walking around the house with my boxers on and my tits hanging out. With such stringent measures in choosing housemates we decided to ship out...

Busy little rat

To all you people out there, sorry for the short hiatus. The problem with my current day job (I reiterate that I'm not a poet) is that when I have nothing to do, I'm pretty much trying to shake my coconuts off. But when I'm busy, I'm rushing so much as though my coconuts will fall off. Sigh, either way those two dudes get shaken up pretty badly, even as I am writing this blog. (Reminder to self: quit the habit of shaking legs...)
Will continue the story of Friends right when I finish my current work issues.
Do tune in, same time, same place, all on this feel good channel...aww yeah!

Friends Part 1

Friends - I'm sure you all know what they are. Yes, they are those things that you need in life to make you sane. They are the ones that will manage to put a smile on your face no matter how f**ked up your day is. (Aside of course from the pet, kids or sex :) They are the ones that makes you piss drunk. They are the ones that drag you out to mamak stalls in the middle of the night to 'yum-char' (have a cuppa). They are also the ones (those extremely close ones) that can blackmail you with your personal life as they know more of it than your own mother.
Someone once said that in order to have many good friends, we must be one ourselves (don't ask me who, go google it...you lazy buggers). Another wise guy said that having lots of good friends is much better than having lots of money (I'm sure he was high when he quoted that).

So I guess I must be very lucky as everywhere I turn, I'm surrounded by them. I'm not sure how many of you have weird friends but since the day I stepped into kindergarten, the friends that I meet are very colourful individuals indeed. Let me tell you about some of them. As I have a lot of friends, I'm going to introduce them to you one by one starting from my younger days...

Back in my kindergarten days in St. Andrews nursery school, Penang, I use to hang out with this dude by the name of Kenneth. Both of us were the 'enfant terrible' of the class. If I'm Batman, he is Robin. If I'm Sherlock Holmes he is Watson. (Of course I'm the main character, this is my blog remember?). Our favourite hobby was to go around 'borrowing' other kids' lego blocks to complete our own creation. More often than not we would end up with really big kick-ass machine guns made entirely from lego blocks...and all the other kids ended up with puny little 'goodness-knows-what-they-were-making'. Aside from that, Kenneth had this weird habit...he cannot piss standing still! I vividly remember that everytime when we were in the loo, he will run around the whole stretch of the urinal (not those individual ceramic kind with the Bullseye in the center but rather those aluminium ones which stretch along the whole side of the wall). He will be running up and down the whole stretch with his wiener hanging out and piss flowing out steadily. While doing that he will be making funny sounds as though he is a fighter plane gunning down a whole army of terrorists outside of Baghdad. Pissing with him was indeed a terrifying affair as you don't know when you'll be hit. (I wonder if girls do that when they go to toilet together...that's the reason why men don't go to the loo anymore after kindy).

Shower Test

Today, I received an extremely funny forwarded email from a friend (let’s call the friend Ah Peng). According to the mail that Ah Peng forwarded, a person’s character can be judged when the person takes a shower. Below would be the question asked in that test:

When you step into a shower, which part of the body do you wash first?
A. Chest B. Face C. Armpits D. Hair
E. Private F. Shoulders G. Others

Firstly, what happens if there is no shower in my house? Would that mean that I do not have character? What if I still use the ancient way of using the ‘Timpa’ (Pail) to fetch water from the ‘Chooi Tee’ (Water trough)? Does that mean that I’m strong in character as the water from the pail is much more than the water that sprinkles out from the shower?
And apparently, if you wash different part of your body first, your character is very much different as can be seen from the answers below:

A. Chest: You are a practical person
B. Face: Money is important to you and you will do anything to get it.
C. Armpits: You are a dependable and hard working person.
E. Private Shy type.
F. Shoulder: A born loser.
G. Others: You are a very average person.

Whoa…I’ve heard of palmistry but knowing that you are hardworking and dependable if you wash you armpits??? And you’re shy if you wash those parts that hardly see sunlight first??? Muahaha...the soothsaying damn good hor!!!
What about if you hit the shower after you have had a good dump? I’m sure that the first thing you would wanna do is to ‘cheh-bok’ (wash your buttocks). It’s not in the selection of parts that I wash first. How do I define my character then? What about Others? Does it take into context the people that do not shower? I'm sure their character analysis would include "Do not have many friends due to extremely bad BO and personal hygiene".
Personally, when I get into the shower, the first thing that I do when I turn on the shower is to stand about a meter away from it. I'll run the water through my fingers first to check the temperature. Just like a cat, I hate the feel of cold water raining down my skin. Neither do I want to feel like a double boiled chicken when extremely hot water scald my body (you'll never know when the water heater is going to go hay-wire on you). By washing my fingers/hands first, I can jolly well tell my character...I'm a level headed logical person who wants to have a good bath by getting the temperature right. Easy!
Sigh...the stuff you get from the Internet.

Poems II

Another poem that we used to recite as kids has got to do with darkness. This poem is usually read out loud whenever we are engulf in darkness (not by the dark side you Starwars crazed people). Whenever we enter a dark room or when night time is approaching, this is what we used to say in a rhythmic way:

Arm Bong Bong, Neo Choo Kong (Oh Darkness, Grandpa Rat)
Ah Mah Phak Ah Kong (Grandma whacked Grandpa)
Ah Kong Pek Chiu Chang (Grandpa climbed up the tree)
Ah Mah Choay Boh Lang (Grandma could not find anyone)
Ah Kong Jiang Chit Seah (Grandpa shouted out once)
Ah Mah Teok Cheh Kiah (Grandma got a shock of her life)
Teok Cheh Kiah, Pang Cheh Sai (Got shocked, crapped in her pants*)
Chey Lang Chiah, Khi Poh Balai (Got on a trishaw, head to the police station to file a report)
-by Another Anonymous Hockkien Poet-

(*here cheh sai literally means green shit...it's synonymous with crapping in ones pants in Hockkien)

With so many Hockkien people who are good in rhyming, it's a puzzlement why all the rappers out there are not people from the Fujian Province. Instead we have all those 50 cents, Puff Daddy, Big Daddy Kane, Fat Joe, Ja Rule etc... Wouldn't it be cool if out there we have a couple of Hockkien Hommies that call themselves 'Goh-Puat', 'Phong-Laupek' or even 'Tua Pui Joe'?

Correction to Hoay Kim Cheh

My publishing on poems has prompted some of my friends to ask me not to give up my day job to be a poet. Lucky for the world, I took that advice into serious consideration. I only compose on a need to basis. As in, when I'm bored or when love flutters into my heart or when 'Chiak Par Seow Eng' (translation: eat too full until practically nothing much to do).
Apparently, there are some missing verses in my last poem as my cousin 'Penang Boy' points out. The ending of Hoay Kim Cheh is supposed to be:

...
Leng Chee Phong, Chiak Tombong (Lychees are inflated, eat some coconuts)
Tombong Phang, Chiak Bee Phang (Coconuts are flavourful, eat some bees)
Bee Phang June, Chiak Timun (Bees are not crispy, eat some cucumber)
Timun Khor, Chiak Chye Por (Cucumber are bitter, eat some pickled lettuce)
Chye Por Kiam, Chiak Iam (Pickled lettuce is salty, eat some salt)
Iam Pek Pek, Chiak Keh Leng Nga Eh Tek Tek (Salt is white, eat the Indian's tits!)

Sorry for screwing up your quest in learning more Northern Hockkien.

What's in a Name?

It's reported in today's paper that Nicholas Cage and his wife of 14 months just had a baby boy. The boy is named...Kal-el Coppola Cage. As many of you DC Comic book fans out there know, Kal-el is the name of Superman back in his days on planet Krypton. Nicholas Cage was purpotedly known as an avid Superman fan. He used to have in his collection a rare 1938 superman comic book. Aside of course being casted as the next Superman.
Young Kal-el immediately joins the pantheon of offbeat celebrity spawn names. Jason Lee (famous for his role in Mallrats and Vanilla Sky) named his son Pilot Inspektor. Poor kid, Jason better send him to a special school to avoid being teased for such a high flying name (no pun intended).

For his love of flying, John Travolta called his son Jett. And Zowie is the son of David Bowie. (Imagine this happening in an Indian Family...Zowie a/l Bowie...wouldn't that be hilarious?) Demi Moore chose a more 'down to earth name' for her 3 offsprings...Rumer, Scout and Tallulah. (I suggest that her next child be named 'Halla-Halla' after the Malaysian slang for bell bottom pants). Frank Zappa on the other hand named his children Dweezil, Moon Unit, and Diva. Other than these, we do have kids called Moxie Crimefighter, Daisy Boo, Fifi Trixabelle and my all time favourite Heavenly Hirrani Tiger Lily!!!

You wonder if these celebraties are right in the head or are they just doing this for the sake of fame hogging? Have they ever thought about the repercussion that their children might have when they grow up? They better prepare their kids for torment for the rest of their lives.
Closer to home, we still hear the occasional names of Too Koh (Brother Pig), Ah Kau (Dog), Eh Ya Tok (Shorty), Tua Sey Kang (Boaster Cock) , Chew Cheng Kia (Hopeless Boy) and I do have a client by the name of Medicine Bear from the Navajo Indian Tribe.

With all those names, I'm glad that I'm given the normal name of Gavin (Pronounced: Geh-vin). Even "Gay-vinboy" (monicker by my parents...I stress, it's a pronunciation for my parents only) doesn't sound to bad. One thing is for sure, no way am I going to call my son Carl Ch'ng (Buttock) and open him to any poking, teasing nor embarassment.

Happiness

We convince ourselves that life will be better once we are married, have a baby, then another...
Then we get frustrated because our children are not old enough, and that all will be well when they are older...
Then we are frustrated because they reach adolescence and we must deal with them. Surely we’ll be happier when they grow out of the teen years...
We tell ourselves our life will be better when our spouse gets their act together, when we have a nicer car, when we can take a vacation, when we finally retire...
The truth is that there is no better time to be happy than right now! If not, then when???
Your life will always be full of challenges. It is better to admit as much and to decide to be happy in spite of it all.

For the longest time, it seemed that life was about to start. Real life...
But there was always some obstacle along the way, an ordeal to get through, some work to be finished, some time to be given, a bill to be paid. Then life would start...
I finally came to understand that those obstacles were life itself...

That point of view helped me see that there isn’t any road to happiness. Happiness IS the road.

So, enjoy every moment...Stop waiting for school to end...for a return to school...to lose ten pounds...to gain ten pounds...for work to begin...to get married...for Friday evening...for Sunday morning...waiting for a new car...for your mortgage to be paid off...for spring...for summer...for fall...for winter...for the first or the fifteenth of the month...for your song to be played on the radio...to die...to be reborn…before deciding to be happy.

There is no better time to be happy than… NOW! Live and enjoy the moment.

"Do not seek perfection in this changing world...Instead perfect your love" - Mudita 6006-

Happy Birthday Mak Ee

I was back in my hometown over the weekend. The initial agenda was to celebrate the birthday of an aunt. This aunt is my mother's cousin sister. Affectionately, we all call her "Mak Ee" (same effect as god-mother). This aunt is never married and never have kids of her own. But she is like a mother to myself, my brother and all the other cousins.
When we were all younger, she helped to look after us. She would help my grandma with the household chores as well as to discipline us. (Yes, she is one of my favourite terrorist victims when I was Rambo). And in a way, I can say that out of so many nieces and nephews, I'm one of her favourites. (I don't know what SI measurement that is used to gauged this, but all my other aunties seem to say so).
She never forgets any of the nephews or nieces favourite food. She always remember that my favourite dish is something called Onion Chicken. (Deep fried chicken with onion cooked over steamy hot sambal). Without fail she will have that dish on the table everytime I go back home for a visit. She is my mentor when it comes to cooking and cleaning the house. She is one of the reason that I'm quite an all rounder (literally round) and a perfect candidate for a house husband.
She turns 70 years old on October 12th. Happy Birthday Mak Ee. Thanks for everything! May you be well, healthy and happy. May you live for many, many, many more years to come.